dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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