My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i think im in europe. pls send help
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize