Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
