I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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