Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
