just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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