Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think my moral compass just broke
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