a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize