I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
