and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
