You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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