Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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