Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
