this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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