Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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