He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
