Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
