I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
