You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
