I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize