My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
