she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize