Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
