I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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