About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
