I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
