i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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