just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
