Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
