So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
