He had one of those small greek statue penises
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize