Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
