im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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