Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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