Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
