You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
