Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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