Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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