So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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