I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
