Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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