dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
