its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Fuck me I smell like cheese
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
