I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
