Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
