thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
