I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
