the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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