Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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