There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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