Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
