So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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