Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
