she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
