Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize