remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
