ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So much rum. So many feels.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
