I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
