i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
